I’ve worked on this vessel a few times, and every single time, I ask myself, why do I hate myself this much? The cabins are so small you’d need a shoehorn and a prayer to get into bed. And don’t expect peace and quiet, it’s noisier than a stag do in Benidorm. The vessel rolls more than a Glaswegian in the East End on payday, so if you’re on the top bunk, best tie yourself in unless you fancy waking up mid-air. The shower room looks like it hasn’t seen an upgrade since Thatcher was in office, grim tiles, dodgy smells, and a curtain that clings to you like a needy ex. The chef’s idea of “variety” is deep-fried or raw, apparently those are the two main food groups here. You know you’re in trouble when there’s an emergency stash of Pot Noodles that everyone treats like gold dust. The only redeeming feature of this floating misery is the recreational setup. There’s satellite TV, so at least you can numb the pain by watching the football or golf while questioning every life choice that led you here. The gym’s got the basics a selection of weights, and a few machines but it’s freezing and as loud as a jet engine thanks to being stuck next to the back deck. Nothing like trying to bench press while the ship’s shaking like it’s possessed The Wi-Fi? Controlled by the OIM, a man so legendarily unpleasant he’s basically the Voldemort of offshore. If he’s in a mood (which is most days ending in Y), you can forget contacting your family, or anyone, really. This place isn’t affectionately nicknamed the “DEEP PRISON” for nothing. People actively avoid being sent here. So yeah, another glowing review, but I’ll clear the crap ones out first before I get to the good vessels.

Cabins generally good, although those on the main deck level behind the locker room are noisy. Locker room fine. ‘Dirty mess’ more than adequate. Mess room and smoking room are dated but large. Food selection and quality were good. Gym was good but often busy. Vessel was generally fine. Unfortunately the experience was let down by a few staff who were unpleasant to work with, and a cliquey unwelcoming atmosphere.